Diego and Me: The Beginnings of Healing

Diego and Me

The Beginnings of Healing

Diego is a Moluccan Cockatoo, also known as a Salmon-Crested Cockatoo. He is a very large parrot with pink in his white feathers.  I think I should start at the beginning, a few months ago, where our relationship began. It wasn't all cupcakes and roses, a sweet romance or heart warming beginning to a journey of healing. Honestly? I hated Diego and loathed the idea of him.  

It all really started when my mom finally had the courage and opportunity to leave. She couldn't take me with her.  My dad was in the hospital with a self-inflicted gun shot wound caused by stupidity. He had been sleeping with a loaded gun with no safety in his bed and he rolled over with it and shot himself. Then turned on us afterwards.  My dad and I have a very rocky relationship at best. We have no real love for each-other. 

A few months after mom has moved into my sisters house, I am informed that my Dad has decided to adopted another cockatoo. He already had one in his room who was mean to everyone but him. Kudo would be nice at first perhaps then drop of a hat he'd turn on you and i have a scar from where he bit me once so hard thru his cage and refused to let go.  Dad said he 'prayed' about it and felt like he just HAD to get him we couldn't understand. Yeah.. we didn't understand. There was NO ROOM in his bedroom for another bird, so he was going to have to sit in the living room where I spend my days. I did not want this bird. 

I knew dad wouldn't take care of him, he would be 'to tired' and I would end up taking care of him or the bird would go thirsty or starve.  He comes and he's the biggest bird I've ever seen. I was terrified and the cage that came with him was massive. Its almost as tall as the ceiling and is about as wide as our love-seat couch. I could easily fit inside it. That first night when the cage was put together he climbed off dad and onto me. I was terrified but after a minute when dad decided 'okay buddy your scare her why don't you step up" Diego bit him and refused. He got up on my sister and then finally to his cage wanting nothing more to do with anyone. 

The next few days he does nothing but scream. I'm sitting in the living room with him but he just won't stop screaming.  Dad's idea of spending time with Diego was coming out sitting at MAX 5 minutes with him then going back to his bedroom. I had dad get my headphones or I was going to go downstairs and leave the bird alone. I couldn't take the screaming. After a time I realized when I got closer to the cage he stopped and quieted. So I had to move my computer and set up over to the love-seat against his cage and then he quieted. 

One day I decided alright, I'll give you ONE chance bird. I opened his cage telling him if he attacked me I wouldn't let him out after. But he didn't attack me. He talked and moved close to me cautiously as as if not to scare me and sat with me, wanting to be petted. he'd tuck his head under my arm and just lay with me. 

From that day that he stepped up off of dad and onto me, and went to his cage he never liked dad again.  In fact Dad would come out to make lunch and Diego would climb down and run at him full on attacking and threatening him till he was gone.  Dad keeps expecting Diego to wake up one day and remember he loved him but, I don't think he ever will. 

It took me time to get used to Diego and start to trust him. But when he was trying and failing to get dad he never turned on me in displaced aggression. He was nothing but gentle to me and loving. When i'd groom him and accidently pinch a pin feather he wouldn't yell or bite me, he'd just back up and look up at me like "hey.. that hurt..." and then instantly let me keep going. 

A little history of me

I am 30 year old and do not work. I have lived my life unknowingly with Schizophrenia that was finally diagnosed about 2 to 3 years ago. I have an Associates of Applied Science in Early Childhood Education and worked as an assistant teacher in a Montessori child care. After 1 year of working I started to faint as I had when I was a teenager. It got worse and worse. My mom said every day I worked I would come home talking about how I just knew they were going to fire me.  It got to the point I had to be put on unpaid medical leave and when the tests were not finished and no answers given I was let go. 

I have not worked since. We found a lot out. I have Sleep Apnea, as well as something called Conversion Disorder which is why I faint. Simplified version its how my body handles stress and inner conflict. In me, it makes me faint and with the schizophrenia on top of it, I started going catatonic afterwards.  I also suffer from Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD. 

My Emotional Support Bird

So while I got to know and grew to trust Diego I started to notice a few things. When I was stressed, paranoid or afraid, he would refuse to leave my side and try to comfort me by either being petted or making me laugh. He wasn't just keeping dad out of his space, I came to realize, he was protecting me from dad. Finally they days came when I passed out around Diego. He had been in his cage and did nothing but scream and even splashed some water from his bowl at me till I woke. One day I went catatonic on the couch, unable to respond and he yelled in my ear and kept doing things to make me move. once I was he would not leave me be, made me play games and do things for him that required me to keep moving and not go back to my still catatonic state. 

He's helped me thru panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and paranoia attacks. It doesn't matter if he cant see whats scaring me, he knows I'm scared so he puffs off angrily to yell at the assailant he cannot see to protect me.  Since COVID-19 my therapy sessions have been held over a video call. Each session Diego makes himself known, then comes and lays on my lap so I can just play with his feathers and pet him while I talk thru my trauma and fear.  My therapist was 100% on board with making him an ESA (Emotional Support Animal).

Diego

Now, do not mistake Diego for just a well behaved angel. He is full of personality and trouble.  I've had to adapt to barricading things and keeping him from destroying things. He is like a toddler with wings. He makes so many people laugh with his antics and his personality. So many of my friends adore him and I was urged first by my therapist and then my friends to create this blog to share Diego's adventures and stories. I hope you grow to love my baby as I love him. He gets me up in the morning, helps me keep moving and he keeps me alive. I cannot go back to a crisis hospital, I cannot die, he wouldn't understand where I had gone. I couldn't hurt Diego. He's been hurt enough in his past as he was abused by a previous owner. 

My mom I think said it best. "He sensed in you the same broken soul that was within himself"  I used to laugh and did not believe the stuff dad had said int he beginning. But.. maybe, God did send Diego. It just wasn't what dad thought, it wasn't for him. It was for me and to help me get thru this dark time in my life. 

This is about fun and humor, of Diego's antics and craziness, but also about our mutual healing. Neither of  us can survive without the other. He needs me as much as I need him.